I’m Starting To Think It’s Me…

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I recently took a solo trip to LA. This was born out of a desire to live there, my dad joking that I was going home to spawn, having been born in Huntinging Hospital. I won’t lie, living in California has intrigued me for quite some time. I’ve read the books, seen the movies, listen to the music, was hook, line, and sinker.

Subconsciously I figured this romantic view of California was the key to solving all my problems.  Yes I know; there’s the idea of LA and then there’s the actual pounding of the pavement. That’s why I went on this trip, I finally wanted to physically see all the rough and neat parts stitched together, making a unique pattern. I wanted to find what was sold to me.

The whole trip felt a little bit like a dream. The city itself is shiny and bright but muted, so much so it’s sometimes hard to believe it’s captured the hearts of so many people. But there’s an ebb and flow, a rhythm to the city that makes my heart ache in a way I’ve never felt before. I feel like New York sings a different tune for everyone that wanders its streets. LA doesn’t give a shit what you want to hear, but if you like the sound, you’re welcome to stay and chill bit.

As I’m writing this, I’m sitting in a bar in DTLA, and I wonder if my life would actually change If I leave NY and live somewhere else. Would being 3000 miles away from where I am now mean I will finally get my shit together? Will I actually finish something for once? Will I be disciplined and not get so distracted?

I don’t know. I’ve said those words more times than I can count in the last couple days. I don’t know. Sure it would be nice to have some sort of idea. But I’m starting to think my problems began and end with me.

Is there a way to make myself different that doesn’t include reinventing the wheel? If so, I don’t know the formula. I feel so vague sometimes about what I want and what my goals are that parts of this weekend fell short. How can something  or someplace be everything that I need if I don’t know what I want or need in the first place?

At this point I’m reminded of a quote from Khaled Hosseini. It goes, “I tell myself I am searching for something. But more and more, it feels like I am wandering, waiting for something to happen to me, something that will change everything, something that my whole life has been leading up to.” I’ve been feeling this way a lot lately. Sure I’m moving forward but to what end? What’s the purpose? What’s the point?

I of course don’t mean that in a “nothing matters” kind of way. I’m just having an issue deciphering what matters most to me. I sometimes wonder what I would do if I knew the date of my death. Would that give my arc more sense, more structure? Would a solid timeline make this seem less like an amorphous blob and more a structural unit of time? Is that even what I want or need?

What I want is to be sure. To be so sure of something that any questions or contrary statements become moot before they even reach my ears. But I don’t think that ever really happens to anyone. There are too many choices, too many different paths to take. I have a wealth of options. And I know, it’s a good problem to have.

As I am sitting in this bar alone I look around at everyone who has made this place their home. Perhaps the difference between them and me is not that they are sure, but that they are committed. Maybe they didn’t know what they wanted, but they found something and they stuck with it. I don’t know if that’s the solution. But it would make the day to day a little easier.

I think I’ll have another beer though. That’s pretty much the only thing I’m sure about. That and it smells like weed in this bar. Oh California. Stay cool and never change.


TrumpCare is a MENACE

19222709_274603609675702_8059141608461991491_oThe thing that keeps me up right now is Trumpcare, and you all know that because you follow me on Facebook and I haven’t posted about anything else in days. Weeks. Months. YEARS. WHO KNOWS. It’s gotten to the point where people at work are asking me to send them things because I’ve become that girl with the list of links about healthcare. Since most of you don’t actually work with me, I’ve put them for you here instead:

https://www.ouramendments.org/ – the budget reconciliation process that the Republicans are using to pass the healthcare bill allows for unlimited amendments. If Democrats propose like 4,000 amendments, we could theoretically delay the bill until midterms. You can basically use that link to submit your own amendment and it gets sent to the healthcare aids of your senators and it goes to Minority Leader Chuck Schumer because he’s the one who decides strategy. It’s a creative way to advocate without having to actually talk to people on the phone, which, let’s face it, is the worst.

https://www.indivisibleguide.com/resource/withholding-consent-filibuster-amendment-call-script/ – call scripts for Democratic Senators. They also have links to ones for Republicans and Republicans in the ten vulnerable states where people might flip.

Honestly, these scripts have good info, but they are kind of involved. If you want to have a conversation with the person who answers the phone, that’s AWESOME. And I full support that and there’s a lot of good info for that here. I rarely want to have an actual conversation so I usually just go with something like

“Hi, my name is [NAME]  and I’m a constituent from [ZIPCODE] and I’d like to leave a comment for the Senator”

“Sure, go ahead”

“I’d like to ask that the Senator do whatever he/she can to block passage of the TrumpCare bill. Whether it’s by filibustering, filibustering by amendment or objecting to unanimous consent, I hope that he/she will do whatever they can to make sure that this bill doesn’t pass. We need to see leadership from our Democratic Senators, and we need to see them fighting for us and our loved ones.”

“Great, I’ll pass that along!”

“Thanks, and have a great day!”

“You too.”


You can also call the HELP committee to yell at them for abdicating their responsibility to hold hearings on this bill if you’re feeling ambitious, by calling: 202-224-5375. If you want a script for that, let me know, and I’ll write one.

https://www.trumpcareten.org/ – if you know anyone who lives in Alaska, West Virginia, Maine, Nevada, Arizona, Colorado, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Louisiana or Arkansas, they have particularly vulnerable Senators or Senators who might be persuaded not to vote for Trumpcare, and you can pass those resources along if they are inclined to do something about it.

https://swingleft.org/district-funds – if you’d rather just donate money, feel free! Swing Left is fundraising for the future opponents of Republicans so that after a Democrat/progressive candidate wins their primary they have a pot of money they can access. People usually spend most of what they’ve fundraised during the primary so this is a good way to give progressive candidates a running start. Pick some Republicans who voted yes on AHCA so that the Senators in those states know that there is national pressure.

https://www.vox.com/health-care – finally, Vox has been doing some EXCELLENT healthcare coverage, from what’s wrong with the way they are passing the bill now, to facts about what’s probably in it that you can use to argue with friends, coworkers, family, people on the street or the MAGA assholes on Twitter.

If you have any questions, let me know because I honestly can’t help myself.