I don’t have anything to say today.
It’s just been one of those weeks. I’ve been feeling really in the past week, some of it because of dumb things I’ve done or not done, and some of it because of a situation that is almost entirely out of my control. Still, that kind of uncertainty weighs on you. I’ve also been pretty bored at work, which hasn’t necessarily helped.
Do you ever just get tired of yourself? You know that you aren’t handling something well, that you aren’t making good decisions, and instead of dealing with it or at the very least, dealing with your emotions, you descend into bad habits? My bad habits, like you couldn’t guess, are a little too much wine and way too much fanfic. And honestly, it’s the fanfic that’s really been driving me crazy. Instead of reading books or manuscripts for work, or even writing or talking to people or listening to podcasts, I’ve just immersed myself in the literary equivalent of donuts for dinner. I broke the habit last night, closed the windows on my phone, made real food for dinner metaphorically and literally, and then I got a dumb assignment at work today and the whole plan went to hell.
The thing about fanfic for me is that sometimes it’s fun, and sometimes its really interesting, and sometimes the stories are really, really good. But at the end of the day, its pure escapism. That might not be what it is for everyone else, but for me it’s avoidance and safety – a big plastic bubble that you can make opaque any time you want.
The things that have been bothering me are stupid, regular life things – things that will pass or that I’ll learn to handle better once I get my swagger back. There are days or weeks or whatever when real life just gets you down, when you can’t make yourself do the smart thing no matter how much you try.
Those are usually the same weeks, I find, that you misplace your center and can’t let the little things go. It’s irritating, because it’s not existential dread or big questions. It’s cleaning the kitchen and stupid supervisors and not knowing what to say or when to say it. It’s minor things that you know you’re blowing out of proportion, but they sit with you, follow you around and whisper dumb things in your ear. It’s like a mosquito, here in our privileged urban centers. You know they aren’t going to kill you, or even cause you pain. But they are there, and they are annoying and for the life of you, you can’t make them go away.
By next week, most of this will have gone – I will have found the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can. Or at least to wait them out. In the mean time, I’m going to try to kick this obsessive fanfic thing one more time. And make frozen pizza for dinner.
It’s just been that kind of week.